She practiced ice skating in order to prevent weight gain from the pregnancy. One night she came home to find Lewis had wrecked the apartment in a drunken rage, destroying all the rented furniture. He hit her for the first time in their entire marriage when she objected.
Like all love I wonder now if it was ever there. Oh, yes, it was there, but didn’t all the threads run from me to you, and none really run back? You will not answer me, not help me, perhaps only because you do not want to hurt me. I write with my eyes full of tears, and my heart full of tears, and I wish they flowed because of someone else, because then perhaps you would comfort me. Or would you? Why is it that one’s own love can sustain one for so long without any reciprocity, and then, suddenly, it can’t anymore?
In his drunken state, he often wrote letters. He would usually start penning screeds to his friends, agents and publishers just when he had approached rock bottom, so they took on something of a desperate tone. Writing to his agent in 1967, he managed, “Please don’t say I’m a shit…for not writing more when you have dealt so kindly with me. It’s just that my mind won’t work. I am having a lot to contend with right now.”